Thursday, September 16, 2004

Catholic Dictionary (part 1)

After that makabagbag damdaming (dramatic) post about my MG let's pause for some silly jokes I dug from my baul (chest) of old emails. Sorry for this dictionary, I only got the ones for letters E-M. Here's the first installment, letters E-G:

Here is the first installment of selections stolen without permision from _Papal Bull_, 'A Humorous Dictionary for Catholics' by Dean Sullivan published by Simon and Schuster:

Easter---1. The day you see Catholics you haven't seen since Chistmas
----------2. The day when Christ's body was missing and all the children are worried about is finding the missing chocolate eggs.

ecumenism---The practice of unity among Christian whereby Catholics cut Protestants some slack for being close.

Egypt---the country which created the first form of writing:

hieroglyphics---the basis for all medical prescriptions.

envy --- The sin Catholics commit when they think of non-Catholics who get to remain seated during their church services.

eternity---The time between Communion and the end of Mass.

evangelists, TV--- Preachers with miraculous power---the ability to squeeze dollars out of the penniless.

Eve--- The only wife who never had to worry about the "other woman"

everlasting life--- What a Catholic will need to understand all the changes since Vatican II.

faith---Giving God the benefit of the doubt on the question "Can God make a rock so big that even He, Himself, cannot lift it"?

fast---God's diet plan

fishers of men----A description of the Apostles who trawled for souls.

folk mass---The type of liturgy celebrated at the church of Saints Peter, Paul and Mary.

Friday, Good---The day of the crucifiction of Jesus---which makes you wonder what a Messiah's got to do to make it a Bad Friday.

Garden of Eden---Where Adam and Eve dug us a hole.

God---The Supreme Being who knows everything, including why the Howells brought so many clothes for a three hour tour.

Godparent--- A person who has to baby-sit on request.

Golden Rule---The most painful thing a nun can hit you with.

Good Samaritan---A guy who today would probably get arrested and left in jail until "60 minutes" did a story on him.

Gospel--A term that means "Good news"-----even though the homily always follows.

guilt--- Agonizing paranoia somewhere along the lines of "God will get me for what I did" It racks the brain, twists the emotions, and turns the stomach until the person's a physical wreck--and God's job is already done.

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